Though April was unsuccessful I was hopeful that May would be better. I followed all of the steps from last time and unlike last month my cycle had beaten me to the punch. There was no need for a pregnancy blood test. By this point it is now June and after taking Clomid and following all of the instructions I went to my day 13 appointment and was hit with more bad news. Unfortunately my doctor did not want me to proceed with this cycle because it was determined I did not ovulate all of my follicles from the last month. I had a 21mm follicle left over from my May cycle and my doctor believed that cycles involving leftover follicles usually were not successful and did not want me to waste my time nor money. I felt defeated at this point. I had 3 unsuccessful Clomid attempts, 2 using Ovidrel which was also a fail and now one I couldn't proceed with.
It started to seem as though I'd never be able to conceive my own child and I certainly wasn't interested in adopting at this point either. After prayer, shedding some tears I did the only thing I knew would help and that was spending time with the Lord. He directed me to some Bible plans via the Bible app regarding infertility. Some of the plans that helped me if you are interested are: " A Seed of Hope During Infertility and Thriving Through and After Infertility and Loss." What not only blessed me in these plans was not simply the scriptures but the devotions. In some cases the devotions gave accounts from other women, some from therapist, perhaps doctors and even couples.
One devotion even helped me get over a fear, which was adoption. After hearing many accounts from children that were adopted I simply was not open to it. These children felt that the parents who lovingly adopted them was not enough and I just never waned to experience that kind of heartbreak. Well, let me tell you about this devotion...Not only did it come with a story but a video. In both you relive the account of a couple who grew up with one another because their families were close however she was much younger. Once they grew up they went away for college and then both moved back home. This is ofcourse when they began to date. One night on a date ofcourse like most they talked about their likes, dislikes, if they wanted to be married and how many kids they wanted etc. He goes on to say how he wanted a daughter and she agreed she did also. He even went as far as saying he had already picked a name. Now women, this would shock you too right?! How many men do you know that want a daughter and says he already has a name picked?! She was certainly caught off-guard but interestingly enough she had a name picked as well. They both sort of blurt out the name which was Chloe. Long story short he knew then this was his wife.
He gave an account about how when he was just a young boy God would give him visions of pushing a little girl on a swing and running through an open field. He said that is when God had given him the name Chloe and even showed him the little girls face so he knew exactly how she would look. Fast forward, this couple gets married and they decide they don't want to have kids right away and went on a missions trip for the first year of their marriage. Once they came home they decided they was ready and if I can recall correctly 3 years had gone by with no baby. She learned she had unexplained infertility. She began thinking about adoption but was met with his certain NO. Like me, he had no interest. He went on to say he didn't like the idea and knew God was going to give him Chloe naturally.
After much consideration they did move forward with an adoption agency although he still was on the fence about it and ofcourse they waited and waited. One night the wife was up late and checked her emailed and the subject of one read, "It's a girl." They had finally been selected by a birth mother for adoption of a little girl. They ofcourse like most began prepping their home for the babies arrival. Though they initially thought they would name the baby Chloe they began having second thoughts. They started picking other names in hopes that God would still one day bless them with Chloe by natural birth. They received a call from the adoption agency advising them that the birth mother wanted to meet them in person. They traveled to her home and once she opened the door he immediately knew the baby she was carrying was Chloe. This woman had a grown up face of the child God once showed him in the field. Once they got in the house and began speaking with her for hours she said, "I sort of picked out a name for the baby, I've been calling her Chloe." With this news they began to cry and the birth mother assumed it was because they didn't like it but they explained everything that brought them to this point and how in that moment it was confirmed this was their child, their Chloe.
Though this story was long I wanted to share it because it blessed me in many ways but more importantly God used their story to help me get over my own fear of adoption and certainly realized no matter what lied ahead He had already orchestrated it. The ultimate lesson I learned was that we simply do not know what tomorrow holds but we must remain faithful in the one who holds it and we need not be afraid and certainly there is no need to worry because He has it already figured out.
With that encouragement I decided to try fertility treatment again in July....
