VULNERABILITY = STRENGTH

Have you ever been in such a place of vulnerability? A place where you depended on someone for everything? If you find yourself answering, “No”, I too, had never been there either. This place was foreign to me. If you are anything like me then you know that this was a hard place to be. I was 25, a cancer patient and I needed help bathing, using the bathroom, getting up and down from the bed and even walking. I never imagined being in this place and knew I didn’t want to stay long. When the nurses pushed me every day to use my muscles, to get out of bed to walk at least three times a day, I did even when it hurt because I desperately wanted my freedom and independence back. I must admit this was the hardest place for me to be because I’m a very prideful person and I can’t recall the last time I asked someone for help, but I realized everything happened for a reason. Sometimes God needs to get our attention, to slow us down for awhile to help us see what is or was important. Simply put: I learned my vulnerability was my strength. This vulnerability was a place I needed to be comfortable with and learn to reside in this year. I needed it to march me into the things God has called me to do. He used this surgery to show me just that. It’s OK not to know everything, it’s OK to ask for help, to depend on others, and the biggest for me, is to let others in. He couldn’t use me until I let my guard down and started sharing my struggles and come out of my own box.

I spent a week in the hospital learning to embrace this change. Learning that even in my own marriage I had put on armor, a defense that I had it all together, that I didn’t need help. In that week of prayer I began releasing my vulnerability in prayer with God and asked for strength to do it in all of my relationships beginning with my marriage and also in friendships. I’ve experienced so much growth in this area this year and I’m so glad all of this came from the fact I needed care for simple basic needs.

I knew God needed me to get to this place for growth so that He could position me in a place to be a mouthpiece for Him. So He stripped me of the very thing that stood in the way of me and His people, my own self, my pride. I had heard from God years ago to step out in ministry, to tell my story to others, but I was disobedient because it required me to open myself and my life to others and I wasn’t ready to do it. Well I’m now in a place where I feel like I have no other choice. I recall the first day I began telling people I was an ovarian cancer survivor, the day I put it on social media to tell others about God’s saving grace, the fact that after all I had been through I didn’t look like it. I looked untouched. That’s because of His grace and mercy and ultimately my obedience to His will. My vulnerability became my biggest blessing and I pray that because of it those blessings spill over unto others, my readers, my followers online and those near and dear to me as well.

Enjoy the Present!

 This time last year I was recently diagnosed with PCOS and my OBGYN found a solid mass tumor on my ovary and she hoped to determine what it was by doing a CT SCAN which was scheduled for New Year’s Eve last year. Though I had this looming over my head around the holidays instead of worrying and being consumed with doubt and fear I instead pursued peace, joy and harmony which is what this season is all about. I encourage you to do the same if you are in a place of uncertainty, a place of fear of the unknown or anything that may be looming over you.

If you find yourself in a place where you feel consumed with confusion, boxed in by burdens and starting to accept apathy remember that where you are now is not where you will end for even Christ was born in a manger and yet through that miracle God birthed the Messiah who came so that we may find peace, wholeness and the true definition of love. So today and throughout this season enjoy the present!

Merry CHRISTmas and Happy Holidays from Jasmine at TEALWEOVERCOME!

Feature in Belinda Sue Fund Year-End Newsletter

Please click or copy this link below to read the excerpt written up about me. Thanks again to the Belinda Sue Fund for featuring me and helping me get out my story and to bring awareness to this disease and certainly highlighting the fact that this disease does not discriminate.


http://files.ctctcdn.com/efa2c6f7201/99dd75aa-ce67-4e7a-a13d-939218d93b88.pdf

Those Sleepless Nights

 

On March 9th, I was again preparing to make my way to the hospital for surgery #2. This time I knew more of what to expect. I was informed that this surgery would be a lot more extensive than the last. In my first surgery they made three small incisions robotically which meant healing could take place a lot faster. This time, however, I was expected to be out of work for 6 weeks and internal healing would take up to 8 months. I went into the hospital just like the last time not knowing when I would be able to go home. I did expect to stay a day or two based off of my last experience. I was in surgery for nearly three hours. Upon waking up I learned they had removed the rest of the left ovary, left fallopian tube, omentum, appendix and 18 lymph nodes, and although granulosa cell tumors are typically unilateral (affecting only one ovary) he did survey my right side where he found a cyst on that ovary as well and burst it. I woke up in much more pain than I remembered the last time. And as before, I was greeted with friends and family who supported me throughout this journey.

Night one: I spent alone trying to sleep as often as I could between nurses who needed blood work, just wanted to check on me, or were providing pain medications and checking for clots or any other abnormalities. I was alone although I had a roommate. But I was alone in this hospital without my husband. He couldn’t stay because hospital policy didn’t allow it if I had a roommate and so I spent many hours that night and what turned into a week in the hospital talking to God. I found solace during those late hours when everyone else was sleeping, talking to the only one who held my future in the palm of His hands. The only one who could give me peace in this time of storm. A reason to smile although I didn’t know what lay ahead, but He did. So I spent many hours praying, reading scriptures, journaling my thoughts and writing an autobiography. 

 I don’t think I mentioned that the two weeks between surgery 1 and 2 I recalled looking at myself in the mirror for the first time in a while and it was at that moment that the Lord spoke to me. I was reminded that many years ago as a kid I was given a vision that “when I grew up” I would be an author and would write an autobiography and once I got older those thoughts would come to mind, but I told myself that my life was too boring. Most people who write books have gone through something and I haven’t had a hard enough life, so I always put that dream on the back burner. Well, be careful what you say! LOL That was the day the title of my book came to me and I immediately pulled out my iPad and began writing: How I got OVA: Coping through Catastrophe with Christ. I spent those sleepless nights in the hospital writing this book that I pray will bless someone else.

Preparation for Surgery #2

 

In the two weeks between my surgeries I took it easy and slept quite a bit due to the pain medication I was prescribed. I also took this time to research the gynecologic oncologist that was recommended to me. I read rave reviews about him and one of the reviews that stood out was that someone specifically stated he had saved her life after she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. After reading this I felt more comfortable with him performing my surgery and also scheduled an appointment with him during this time per his request.

I researched granulosa cell tumor and ovarian cancer and wrote down all the questions I could think of to take to my appointment. I wanted to know what the recurrence percentage was; would I be having a fertility sparing surgery? Were chemo and radiation needed?

 I met with him and I spent nearly 2.5 hours in the waiting room which is what I was warned about via all the reviews I read. Most of his patients said, “Expect to wait. He is one of the best and as a result his office is always filled.” This time around he was very patient, provided great information and thoroughly answered my questions. However, that didn’t take away the fact that he was still very direct, but now I came to accept that is just the way he is. I assume when you deal with cancer patients over the years it’s best to be totally upfront and honest with them.

What I learned was that granulosa cell tumor is usually unilateral; meaning it typically only affects one ovary. With any cancer, reoccurrence is possible, but with this particular kind, the chances of reoccurrence are typically lower and usually happen much later in a life. He also informed me that needing chemo and/or radiation would depend on both of my pathology reports. He said the first report which I should have prior to my second surgery would help determine how aggressive the tumor was and certainly how fast it was growing. The second pathology report would help determine if the cancer had spread and I would have those details after the second surgery. He told me that I would soon have the results from my first surgery. He then examined both my incisions and did a pap smear as well, which I have now come to learn he does every time you meet with him. If you are a woman you know how much fun that can be. ;)

It was nearing my second surgery and I still hadn’t heard from his office on the results from my pathology report and I started becoming a bit impatient and worried, so I decided to give his office a call. I spoke with his nurse who read over my report with me. She, like him, said some very technical words to explain everything, but in simplest terms what she said was that the tumor was not very aggressive, it was slow growing and on a scale of 1-10 it was less than a 2 on the rate of growth. That was the best news in all of this I had heard so far. I spent that evening rejoicing and praying. I prayed a simple prayer of thanks because although things weren’t perfect I still serve a perfect God and I knew that He was in the details. This was one way He showed me just that and I believed and prayed that the second surgery would go just as well and that the results of that pathology report would be great news.