LORD, I AM SENDING BACK TO YOU WHAT I CAN NOT REPAIR...

 

My son, pay attention to what I say; turn your ear to my words. Do not let them out of your sight,
keep them within your heart; for they are life to those who find them and health to one’s whole body. Proverbs 4:20-22

In November I had an annual Pap smear appointment scheduled with a new doctor as I mentioned in a previous post, and I honestly didn't know what to expect. Really, I guess I expected more of the same. I figured I would meet yet another doctor who examined me, told me I needed to lose weight and told me to take birth control. Well, I was shocked when my name was called and I wasn't sent to a regular examining room and told to get undressed. Instead I was invited into the OBGYN’s office which I later learned is standard practice at her office with new patients to develop a relationship and to discuss family and medical history. Boy, was I impressed!

In speaking with the doctor I informed her how just the month prior I was diagnosed with PCOS (PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome) and was now taking metformin, which is a drug that is usually given to diabetics, but also prescribed to women with PCOS because it helps regulate blood glucose levels and reverses the insulin resistance that many women with PCOS have. Insulin resistance is also what usually causes much of the weight gain and metformin is said to help patients lose weight. My OBGYN agreed that I may have PCOS based on my symptoms as I've described in a previous post. She stated that she wanted to confirm and she would need to do so via a transvaginal ultrasound and her tech had already gone home so I would need to come back the next week. Of course, I went back the next week for the ultrasound and ultimately this is where the conversation shifted. Prior to my appointment my OBGYN explained that if I did have PCOS I would have a lot of fluid filled sacs on my ovaries. Well, as this machine so uncomfortably probed my insides, I just had a sense that something wasn't right. I'm not sure if it was the amount of time it took for the exam, or that it seemed like the ultrasound tech kept trying to get better images of something, but because this was my first test and it was so hard for me to read her face I tried to shake the feeling. Once it was done and I was fully dressed my OBGYN called me back to her office and this is when the conversation as folks say, “got real”. My doctor said, “Well Jasmine, we didn't find the fluid filled sacs, but we did find a solid mass tumor on your left ovary and we do not know what it is at this time. At this point I want you to do a CA 125 test which helps us determine if it's cancerous or not and as a follow-up I want to get you scheduled for an MRI which will also help determine what kind of tumor it is.”

Once again I left yet another doctor’s appointment not knowing my fate or what was to come, but I do know I left praying that the tumor wasn't cancerous. I went home with a pamphlet of different forms of tumors, so I spent much of that evening going over it and of course, turning to Google. I worked myself up and at that moment a song dropped in my spirit called, “Fix What is Broken”. The lyrics that stood out the most and that I sang for several days were, “Lord, I am sending back to you what I cannot repair so you can fix what is broke, fix whatever is broken up in me. Yes, He can heal what is broken, whatever is broken up in me, so I am sending it, sending it back.” I declared then that whatever it was that was broken, whatever that required healing, I would simply send back to my creator to fix it and rest in knowing that He would.